There is never enough time to just rest and be; always things that must be done, people to see, and fun to be had. Downtime feels so valuable. I can’t get enough of it lately. But then certain things move far too slowly, like each of my menstrual cycles.
Each month, starting on cycle day 10, I pee on an ovulation stick in the morning. I get a smiley face a few days later, which indicates that I’m having an LH surge and the next 48 hours are my most fertile time. We do everything we can to ensure the best possible chance of conception. Then I try to wait 16 days or so until my period, but I end up testing for pregnancy around 8 or 9DPO (days past ovulation), squinting and tilting the test to try and see any hint of a line. And I continue to not believe the negative tests until my period finally arrives. Then I feel very down for the next week or two until I swim back up to the surface, start tracking ovulation again, and the cycle repeats.
Another thing that moves too slowly is every little step forward on the mountainside obstacle course that is trying to conceive with infertility. And then to do it in Sweden where everything already moves at a glacial pace.
So in the past two weeks, I contacted every IVF clinic in every other accessible country whose donor egg laws match our ideals and asked how soon it would be to get started. A clinic in Finland said they have their own egg bank and we can start right away, after a €200 consultation the following day.
I like the doctor. He seems proactive and has ideas for new things to try. I spent the next couple days getting our records, medical tests, and psychological assessment together and then had to clarify some things by speaking to the doctor again on the phone. He wanted to be sure that donor egg was really the right path for us. Then it took some convincing Alexis that traveling to Finland would be logistically doable. It was very stressful trying to get everything in line! I felt like any small thing could derail all my effort.
Thankfully, after we signed the contract, the Finnish clinic began sending donor options right away! These women have frozen eggs already in the bank. In Finland, you’re only allowed to know a few pieces of information about the donors - hair color, eye color, height, skin color, and origin. Donors go through a rigorous screening and must be under 35 years old. At 18 years old, our child will have the option to contact her. We want this because research has shown that it’s good for donor-conceived people.
We passed on the first donor due to worrying that she was living in an unsafe country. The second donor’s information was confusing and the coordinator couldn’t be clearer.
At that point, we voiced that we’re a little flexible about things like hair color and height and she said, “Oh! I’m glad you said that because I personally met a donor who I think would be great for you based on your photo. But she has blonde hair.” She’s Finnish with brown eyes, fair skin, and is around my height. The coordinator also gave us three more choices - all with brown hair, fair skin, and light-colored eyes.
We took last weekend to think about it. I had dreams of a blonde child. I think it was my brain’s way of trying to work out how I felt about it.
I guess I’d always imagined that I would have a child with dark brown hair and eyes, like mine. Of course all we want is a healthy, happy child, but since he/she won’t have my genes, I realized that it felt important to try and match with something of my identity. I decided that brown eyes would be nice! When I asked the coordinator which donor she thought was best, she immediately said the girl with blonde hair and brown eyes. So then our choice was quite obvious.
Deciding to try donor egg IVF isn’t a sure thing, of course, and can still not work the first time, like any other IVF or pregnancy. But if our problem has been my eggs, maybe this will be the thing that can increase our chances.
I’m naturally a pretty determined and stubborn person, but I am in straight-up warrior mode when it comes to tackling this infertility mountain. No matter how steep or slippery the path, we will continue to fight. It’s also important to celebrate all of the small wins; every single step that gets us closer to the other side and the life we dream of.